Fabulously Out There

Putting the Fabulous in East Boston since 2005 -I have written about my life, my dog(s), my sex life, my my love life, my dating, my non-dating, my job searches and my soul searches since 2005. This is my space and my opinions. I use my space freely and voice my opinions freely. I call my readers possums, cause it's a cute word, not because they aren't fabulous and stunningly handsome and beautiful. :)

Watching and remembering… December 4, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — englandia @ 4:32 pm

…watching a friend go through the worst time of their life is a good reminder.

It reminds me how incredibly helpless she must have felt when I was in the same place 14 years ago. When I was slicing open my arms and wrists.

To feel.

Because nothing else helped release. The numbness had taken over ever inch of my body and the only way to feel was to slice and cut and bleed. The burning afterwards and suddenly a sense of feeling normal for a few hours until the pressure started building again.

And here I am.

A continent away.

“There will be a light at the end of your tunnel,” I say.

And I hope that she believes me. At least she knows that I was exactly where she was long ago.

But she probably doesn’t believe me. Because when you are at that point, when you feel like that, you don’t believe anything anymore. Worst of all, you start believing that the world is better off without you.

In my darkest nights and days, she was the person that begged me not to kill myself and I was the one that was completely in control telling her “But you don’t understand. Everyone’s life will be better without me.”

And I truly believed it. And once I got to that point I stopped cutting shallow and I cut deep. So deep that today’s doctor’s are suprised at the lack of scars.
That is the thing about suicide. You get to a point where you deeply believe that the world is better off without you and you almost enter a stage of happiness again. A solution. The last one. And you cut. And bleed. And the blood cleanses. And the more you bleed, the lighter your head feels.

But I also know that if you want to cut deep enough. You will.
If there is one thing you learn in a psych ward it’s that people who want to truly die will find a way. I know this, because I saw it happen in front of me.

I didn’t really want to die, I suppose. I tried really hard in different ways, but I was stubborn enough to not want to die for real/

And now I am sitting here watching the hell my best friend at home is going through. And the reaching out she does and the psych wards that have turned her down and I want to jump in there and scream and someone.
There is nothing I can do except hope that a part of her wants to remain alive.

Because it is worth it most days.

I will never judge suicide. Ever. If I ever felt the way again I felt back then, I would still think it’s a legitimate way to end the suffering. But I will also never allow myself to slip so low, to a place of almost no return, to a place where I lost myself so deeply that I talked about myself in the 3rd person. I won’t let that happen again.

Yours truly was thoroughly fucked up, deeply, disturbingly, unwilling, unbendingly, stubborn, ready to die. I have never been shy to talk about this. People need to know that you can actually make it. I had to fight hard for this life. Every step I have taken I had to fight. Two forward one back, sometimes two forward, three back. I took drugs I shouldn’t have taken, I overdosed on things people don’t overdose on, I tried really hard not to be here.

And today I am still here. Amazed, some days, by what my life is today. Amazed that I might have missed a lot of this.

And she is there. Hurting so deeply. And it reminds me these days so intensely of what it felt like to hold that razor blade to my arm, of what it felt like to take handfuls of valium, of what it felt like to give up on life, to feel the relief of having made that final decision to leave this earth and fuck.

I don’t want her to leave. I wish I could take some of her pain, but I know it’s all hers.


6 Responses to “Watching and remembering…”

  1. NSA IW Says:

    Oh, girl. Sending you a hug. (((((FABULOUS))))

  2. Maribeth Says:

    My Dearest Fabulous,
    Many years ago after Katie’s death all I wanted was to die. I felt that I had no purpose in life. This lasted for a long time and I contemplated suicide too.
    Then I found that one person in my life had such an impact on me that I began to think differently. One night I watched “It’s a Wonderful Life” and I thought to myself all the people I’d affected just by being in this frigging world! I even sat down and made a list.
    That’s when it hit me. There really were too many people who loved me and whom I loved!
    Now, every Christmas I watch that movie. It reminds me again and again why it is a “Wonderful Life” even when things don’t appear so.

    • fabulouslyinboston Says:

      Loosing a child must be the worst thing to go through…and yes….It’s really hard watching her go through this right now. I wish I could do more…but hopefully seeing her Christmas will help.

  3. Nicole Says:

    My thoughts and prayers are with you and your friend!!

  4. marcia Says:

    Sending your friend the courage to make the right decision, and to feel whole again. It is invaluable that she has you as a friend and confidant. I have been where you were and your honesty brought me back to the core of that pain, and I can very much relate to being at the point where “it” feels like the only right thing to do.” Amazing how our minds can twist thinking around. I am grateful everyday for recovery and the support that got me through….to think a failed relationship took me to that point, galls me to this day but I survived, you, too, and may our experiences be an instrument to help others.

  5. Tiffany Says:

    The ministry of presence is an amazing gift and will give her courage she didn’t know she had. I’m reminded of Cristopher Robin to Pooh… “Promise me you’ll always remember: You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”

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